Imposter food

August 20, 2010 § 2 Comments

Disappointment (noun): Buying a muffin that claims to be oatmeal chocolate chip but is actually oatmeal raisin.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I hate it when raisins make their way into my baked goods. Though I do like raisins on their own or in chocolate (raisinettes, or Cadbury’s Fruits and Nuts… yummm), I hate them in cookies, muffins, or cakes. They affect the taste of the cookie/muffin/cake negatively. But that’s just a nice way of saying they suck. Again, I’m not hating on raisins, just the marriage of raisins with a sweet doughy substance.

I used to be a low maintenance picky eater, which basically means that there are plenty of things I wouldn’t eat but had no qualms about spending the time and effort to individually remove said things from the bit that I liked. For example, in my younger years, I wouldn’t eat all dressed pizza. Why? Because I didn’t like onions, mushrooms, and green peppers. However my parents loved it, and on the rare occasions that we’d order in, they’d order veggie and all dressed. So I would take my slice, and remove each morsel of vegetable I hated with patience I rarely exuded anywhere else in my life. The time and effort spent was worth it to me because there is nothing worse than biting into something (or drinking something) that you think is one thing but ends up being something entirely different. Even if you like the thing you are actually eating or drinking, it’s still a shock to the system like “Mmm Coke, yum…eeehhh what’s wrong with this Coke?! Oh… it’s iced tea.” I like iced tea so much that my blood is partially composed of it, but if I ordered Coke, I’m expecting syrupy fizz to be cavorting with my taste buds, not cool, still, sweet iced tea. This is even worse if you hate the imposter ingredient/drink. Fortunately for me, I no longer hate mushrooms or green peppers, but onions, if you aren’t finely chopped I want to have NOTHING to do with you.

When I first bit into my muffin, I was expecting the yummy oatmeal to be mingling with some melted bits of sweet heaven (aka chocolate) but what ended up happening was a full-out attack on my sweet expectations. The texture, the taste, all unexpected and all unacceptable. When is it acceptable to replace chocolate with raisins? Never. That’s when. I totally understand Chris Farley’s epic bit about Columbian coffee now.

I counted 52 raisins in that god damned muffin. 52!!! It’s a little muffin! Yes, I counted, because I picked each one out, one at a time. Some of them came in clusters of 7, as if 1 wasn’t enough to burn the skin off your face, here’s 7 so you can have a grand old time gagging. Every time I thought the coast was clear, I’d rip open another bit of muffin and there were 3 staring me in the face. I almost growled by the 20th minute of dissecting my muffin. Why is it that the things you dislike appear in numbers tipping the ingredient ratio scales in their favour? I don’t like kidney beans but there are more kidney beans in my chilli than there is meat. It’s cheap filler ingredient you say? Well I say give me less food but with the correct ingredient ratio!

So maybe that means I’m not all that low maintenance with my pickiness anymore… maybe it’s because I have come to like things I didn’t before (broccoli, sweet peppers, mushrooms, sweet potatoes, squash, mangoes)… maybe it’s because the things I still dislike are warranted (spinach, eggplant, onions, liver, bok choy, sprouts, papaya, honeydew, cantaloupe, etc)… just let me eat the way I want to eat!

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§ 2 Responses to Imposter food

  • thestuffithinkabout says:

    I, for one, am ok with the occasional raisin in baked goods but not – I repeat NOT – in the place of chocolate. Let all the chocolate haters be damned! (I’m sure there must be at least one, on a remote island somewhere, eating a rice cake or something).

    I want chocolate now. Or at least a Fudge-o.

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