The World Cup Fan Selector

June 30, 2010 § 1 Comment

If you’re like me and occasionally enjoy watching sporting events but don’t have the deep-rooted loyalty of some/most self-proclaimed sports fans, you might be interested in what I like to call the World Cup Fan Selector. It’s fun to get involved in the hoopla of the World Cup, but can be very lonely when you don’t have a team to cheer for. What to do? Consult the World Cup Fan Selector. Some might thumb their nose at our easily swayed ways, trading loyalties on what might seem to be trivial matters. But I say we are fans of THE SPORT, rooting for soccer (which will be referred to as football in this post) as opposed to the team. The World Cup Fan Selector works for self-proclaimed sports fans with deep-rooted loyalties as well. What happens when “your team” gets eliminated? Will you swear off the World Cup until 2014? Will you watch games in a lackluster fashion? The next few weeks will unfold with you being stuck in limbo, not knowing which team to side with, which will lead to certain and total chaos. If this is the case, have no fear, join the rest of us who have no team and consult the World Cup Fan Selector. The hierarchical scheme of the World Cup Fan Selector works wonders once you grasp the concept of its tier-system.

The intricacies of the selection process have been developed entirely by me, with no substantiation for any of the rules. If I had a fancy VISIO tool and if I cared enough to go through the process of drawing it on VISIO, you’d have a fancy flowchart. But since I don’t care about technology that much, here are the rules to selecting which team you will be rooting for, according to the World Cup Fan Selector.

1. I live in Canada. Football is the number one sport in the world, aside from our lovely North America where sports such as hockey, American football, basketball, baseball, and leisure activities such as golf (oh, I went there) reign supreme. I have nothing against any of those sports but firmly believe that the pitch and putt concept should be applied to golf in general and, while it does use some muscles and requires a hefty amount of skill, golf is not a sport, just like yoga isn’t a sport (though I certainly enjoy and regularly practice the latter). You know what would be awesome in golf? If they had a “mixed drinks and putt” or “shots and putt” concept. Tangent aside, since I live in Canada, and we were not cool enough to make the cut this World Cup, I support teams from my side of the world, The Americas. (For the purpose of this post, North and South unite into The Americas, though this is certainly correct according to Wikipedia.) The world is separated into The Americas, Europe, Africa, Asia, Oceania. Pick one. (Antarctica was excluded purely for its lack of presence in the sport.)

2. Since my ethnicity (though born in Canada, it is not my ethnic background) has no representation in this or any year’s World Cup, I support the continent from which my parents and grandparents hail: Africa. You might say I’d be better off cheering for a Eurasian team, as that is my background (if you will, in a greater sense), but that doesn’t strike my fancy, so overruled you’d be. Plus how many teams do you know from the countries of the Caucasus that are in the World Cup? How many countries do you know that are in the Caucasus? I digress. If this rule is applicable to you, pick the continent from which the generation closest to you hails (provided they hail from a region different from yours).

3. I love traveling. This factors into my third tier of fandom based on how much I enjoyed visiting or want to visit the countries playing. This applies to Australia (loved it, want to go back), Argentina (have wanted to go for the last 4 years, and also fits in under the first tier of fandom), and The Netherlands (loved it, didn’t spend enough time there, want to go back).

4. I like learning new languages. This brings Germany into the fourth tier of fandom, as I took a German class back in the day. Also, how awesome is a team that relies on a psychic octopus named Paul to predict its performance in a game? Pretty damn awesome if you ask me. It also applies to Portugal, and Spain and any Spanish-speaking country (which falls under the first tier of fandom yet again).

5. The final and most important tier of fandom is hotness. Let’s face it, football contains a lot of hotness. When it comes down to the fifth tier, the team with the hottest player(s) wins.

Here is an example of the application of the World Cup Fan Selector.
This afternoon, there is the Portugal vs. Spain game. Neither falls into the first or second tier, so we move onto the third. I’ve never visited either country but have wanted to visit both, so it’s a tie on the third. The fourth tier also results in a draw because I have tried to learn both Portuguese and Spanish. So we’re faced with the fifth tier, in which Portugal comes out victorious. Cristiano Ronaldo is HOT, so that’s who I’ll be rooting for!

A few words to conclude. Even when I am rooting for one team, I want to hug the other team and let them know that I ultimately root for them too, because my trump card, THE UNDERDOG, always equalizes my fandom. Tis pesky. But if you have a psychic octopus on your side, that might tip my scales.

This post was brought to you by sarcasm. However, this is actually the method I am employing to pick the team for which I will cheer.

**This post was written prior to the Portugal vs. Spain game, and the writer would like to stress that though Portugal did not win, this bears no relevance to the validity of the World Cup Fan Selector, as it selects the team you should root for and not the team that will win. That is Paul the psychic octopus’ job.**

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